Why Failing is Important

Pretty much anything I do, looks like the second “Nailed It” picture…..lopsided, burnt, always flawed…and I love it! I love it because, I am off the sidelines and in the game. Fear of failure and all the unknown, possible negative outcomes, overshadowed the possibility of successful gains.

Back in January, while visiting close friends, the subject of picking ONE word for the year came up. In lieu of New Years resolutions, they had chosen one word, that would/should be a common thread through the year. One had chosen ‘decisiveness’, the other went for ‘productivity’. Being one not to be left out, I quickly blurted out; “Failure”! “I want to fail as much as possible this year”!  I knew, from much study, that failure is unavoidable obstacles on your way to success. That overcoming these setbacks, creates a mental muscle memory and decrease fear.

So I started failing left and right. I failed in blogging, cooking, parenting, building a nice website, meditation. I failed to lose 20 lbs, I failed in getting a workshop up and running by February,I just failed all over the place. But in the process, I lost 7 lbs, got better at meditation, honed making the best pizza in town. I started a modest blog, met people I wouldn’t otherwise have, got to coach a fantastic autistic boy, learned things and terms about technology which had always scared me and my workshop on personal development starts next week.

If I hadn’t been willing to fail, none of these positive outcomes would have happened. Life on the sidelines is so sad. Watching your wants turning into wishes and then into a faint memory, is a horrible feeling.

Kids fail all the time, but we call it ‘learning’. When did we cross this arbitrary threshold, where we think we have to be good right out the gate? Apparently, I crossed that imaginary line in the sand a long time ago, and started listening to this self-doubt Manifesto on a loop.

Don’t get me wrong, failing is a really yucky feeling..well, you probably know that. But how you handle it and what narrative goes on in your head, determines exactly how much the situation blows. There are many categories of failing, some are easily brushed off, while other feels like a devastating blow to the gut. Here are a few categories of failure:

THE:

1. Shit! I’m taking this one to my grave.
2. After a shot of Crown and a few beers, this will be a great story.
3. I have to call and tell someone right away.
4. Oh well, oopsie Daisy we try again.
5. REALLY! I was sure that was going to work.
6. ARE YOU *BLEEPING* KIDDING ME! I followed the directions! I FOLLOWED THE DIRECTIONS!
7. The universe hates me!
8. This is why we don’t have nice things.
9. Will I ever get this right?
10. So, I can never show my face here again.

In fairness, I am failing on a very pedestrian level. It’s not like I’m a hedge fund manager, a hostage negotiator or a heart surgeon. When I fail, people don’t die, we still eat and people don’t lose their life savings or jobs. But the mechanics, the psychology behind overcoming failure and setbacks are the same:

1. Do you view it ‘learning’ or ‘failure’?
2. Do you think: How can I do better next time?
3. Are you able to laugh at yourself?
4. Are you willing to dust yourself off, push the reset button and try again?
5. Can you hold your vision intact, even when it seem so far away?

If the answer is “no”, don’t panic. You are not doomed to a life curled up in the fetal-position. All fears, doubts and insecurities didn’t come out of nowhere, like a cosmic punishment. It developed over time. Some will say that it’s because you were asleep behind the wheel, that you failed to stand guard at the door of your mind. That’s partially true, but that’s because of lack of information. They didn’t have classes in school, there are no public service announcements, no one pulled you aside and said: ‘Pssst. Just to let you know; there is such a thing as neuroplasticity. It’s just a big fancy word for your’e-not-totally-screwed. Your brain is capable of changing, Your subconscious mind is like a tape recorder, it does not discriminate between the truth and a lie. So, when you day in day out, year after year, have told yourself that the world is scary, that you are ugly, that this is as good as you are ever going to be, the subconscious recorded it and helped you maintain that image and act accordingly. Now, since the subconscious mind is there to work for you, with the information you give it (and it does so 95% of the time) why don’t you start programming cool stuff”?

So how do you help your subconscious mind work for you as your productive promoter instead of being a limiting heckler? Short answer is re-programming, re-programming, re-programming. Imagine for a moment, that the feelings you have about your weight, your finances, your abilities; is represented as the amount of water in an Olympic sized pool. Let’s pick weight. The water represents the beliefs and thought of I’m to lazy to lose weight, I just don’t have any willpower, I love cupcakes more than I love myself. Now, armed with the information of putting in better messages; you go to the pool. You have this positive message of “I can lose weight” represented as a drop of red dye. You drop the red dye in the large body of water…..did anything change? NO! saying it once or seven times does not penetrate years of accumulated misconceptions of reality. It will take a lot of red dye to color that whole pool red. So this is where we “cheat”. There are many ways to speed up the process and start dumping cup and buckets of red dye in the pool:

1. Therapy, if you find a good therapist.
2. NLP (Neuro linguistic Programming)
3. EMDR
4. Visualization
5. Hyonosis.
6. Incantations.

The biggest step though, is to take your life serious. That you start standing guard at the door of your mind. To some, this sounds like a bunch of tree-hugging woo-woo, but i promise you NO TREE-HUGGING REQUIRED! It takes time and determination, but you can do it. And if it’s good enough for professional athletes and other top producers, why wouldn’t it be for you?

Your life is moving along, time is ticking by whether you lead the way or are dragged along, kicking and screaming. So, get out there and  fail a bunch, so you can reach those goals. I promise that you will have a hell of a story to tell.