Wanna compare battle scars? (The dark side of autism)

This is not a hook. If you are a parent of a newly diagnosed kid; don’t read this.

This is for you, the veteran autism mamma, who have pushed through, cried and would shake hands with the devil, if it would ease the pain. This is a loophole in time, where we get to share the ugly truth.

You wanna compare scars? I’m going to lift my shirt up first and show mine. In no particular order:

• Autism has brought me to my knees in desperation, defeat, with an emotional pain, so intense, that I have begged and pleaded with God.
• I have told my ‘typical’ child “not now” so many times, that it’s going to be the title of his first book.
• I have sat and cried in silence, on just about every grocery store floor, holding my daughter, keeping her from banging her head on the floor.
• I have researched the internet so much, that I have a Google PhD.
• I have cried so much watching my daughters typical peers play on the street.
• I have spent more money on inadequate therapy, than I care to mention.
• Have spent even more money on good therapy programs, only to not follow through.
• I have changed diapers for 7 years.
• I underestimated a meltdown for a fit, let my guard down and got kicked so hard that it set most my ribs out of place and broke one.
• I didn’t sleep,a full night, the first 5 years.
• I havnt slept in the same bed, with my husband, for 7 years.
• We haven’t decorated a Christmas tree for 5 years.
• I have celebrated her saying words, never to hear them again.
• Beeen through the -drooling phase, spitting phase, hitting phase, not walking phase, eating rocks and shoes phase, she loves the bath phase, she hates the bath phase, throw all the meals on the floor phase………
• We have struggled through the gluten, dairy, sugar, MSG free (joy free) diets.
• We take separate vacations.
• I have left the house without shoes (and worse), because I accidentally held the car keys before I was completely ready, she saw it and not going RIGHT NOW, would trigger a meltdown.
• Once I sang Happy Birthday 53 times in a row, because if I stopped, she would start screaming.
• I have worn yoga pants for 7 years, never done one minute of yoga #autismuniform.
• I feel that painful twinge, deep in my soul, every time there is another missing autistic child on the news. Praying for their safe return. Knowing, that if we forget the child lock, it could be my baby on the news.
• We have gone through so many iPads, that Apple should take pity on us. (One of them she threw out the car window going down a busy interstate).
• I have said things, in front of my daughter, which I desperately want to take back.
• Though I am very much about positive energy, I live every day with a warm, sad grip on my heart.
• Most importantly, my daughter had to go through all this too.

Looking back, I am amazed that I still have an ounce of sanity left. No one truly understand, what its like to be on high alert constantly, to have scars on top of scars, unless they have put in the time.

I showed you mine, now show me yours……

*please refrain from nasty and judgemental comments. This is not the absolute truth for all people living with an autistic child, but it has been mine and I know it’s shared with more people, than my heart can stand to think about.